5 ways to come across just the right amount of desperate to bag yourself a boo

Some say you can never be too clingy. That may have been true when it was customary to marry the first dusty neighbour you waltzed with at your local youth club, aged thirteen, but we now reside in the world of virtual dating. It is essential, of course, to play it cool. Don’t give too much away. But you must also remember your crush is probably talking to hundreds of people as well as you, so make it clear that you’re game. You are serious about them. But more importantly, you really really really want to be in a relationship. Here are five easy ways to communicate an appropriate, reasonable amount of desperation without going overboard.

1. Send ‘????’ if they don’t reply to your message within 8 seconds

A simplistic, classy technique to ensure your prospective lover knows exactly how needy you are. They’ll find nothing more appealing than a person whose self esteem hangs solely on the receipt of a ‘gd thnx u?’, a ‘nm rly u?’ or a ‘just pesto pasta. might start rewatching breaking bad later’.

2. Send them links to boho chic wedding venues with tipis, lanterns and a giant toad stall at the alter

I mean, don’t overdo it. Don’t Whatsapp them a pic of your face superimposed onto a Vivienne Westwood gown. Don’t add them to the Pinterest board you started at twelve years old called ‘Wedding Planz x’ that has multiple flower garlands, something-blue garters, and old jam jars full of fairy lights. Subtle hints in the form of website links give off just the right level of desperation. It shows you are absolutely gagging for marriage (mainly so you get to do the personalised baby pink satin bridesmaids robes before any of your mates), but you’re relaxed and bohemian and ‘yeah, I’ll say ‘I do’ on a magic mushroom, babe’.

3. Keep asking them if you’ve done something wrong

There really is nothing like asking someone if you’ve done something wrong completely out of the blue. Firstly, it screams insecurity, which is great. Also, it shows just how paranoid you are. For best results, ask them repeatedly. Preferably upwards of six times a day. The prime time is when you seem to be getting on really well. Then follow it up when they are annoyed about something completely unrelated to you. The fact you are so obsessed with how they feel about you will really seal the deal.

4. Serenade them via Zoom with your GCSE music piece on an out of tune guitar you bought 10 days ago on eBay

Beautiful, pathetic desperation in its purest form is the delusional musician scene. Have you got an inflated sense of musical ability due to the fact your mother wasn’t honest with you when you came home and sang an Ed Sheeran rip off, with far too much feeling, and claimed it as your own work? Yes? Brilliant. You grab that acoustic lockdown fad purchase and recreate the horrifically sincere and uncomfortably flat recital that got you a low C on results day 2011.

5. Ask if they want to lockdown with you, your dad, his new wife, her three teenage sons (Jaxon, Mason & Dax) and their pet snake up in Cheshire

Boo. In. The. Bag.

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