5 ways to help your stupid friend without offering to pay for private education

Everyone has a really stupid friend. Whether they can’t finish a Sodoku, fail to remember the in-colours that season, or keep putting non-microwave-safe items in the microwave. In your heart of hearts all you want is for them to be a bit less stupid, for their own sake and quality of life. Of course, a private education is what they need, whatever the age. And why not pay for it? You are, after all, cleverer and therefore rich. But you may be surprised to learn that offering this gift can sometimes cause offence.

Why not try these five options before reaching for your check book and fountain pen:

1. Denial

Outright ignoring the fact they are stupid often works a treat. If you pretend they are just as intelligent as you, the lie will eventually internalise and your friend will essentially be cured.

2. Send them to the zoo

Applications to the zoo aren’t always accepted. It can be just as tricky to get a spot in the mammal enclosure as a membership at the Hurlingham Club, if you know what I mean. Of course you do. However, if you do manage to get your friend a place, they would definitely be the savviest there. Surround them with animals and they will seem sharp, quick witted and even literate.

3. Dress them up as a child

Children are forgiven for all the stupid things they say. Every word that comes out of their little mouths is utter, utter nonsense. If you, and the world, sees your pal as an infant, they’ll be pardoned for any foolish behaviour.

4. Tutor them day and night yourself

If you like a challenge and have the patience of a goddess, this is for you. All you need to do is head down to the library, grab a book on every subject, move your friend into your spare room, legally adopt them, quit your job, leave your partner, and dedicate every waking hour to fixing your friend’s brain. It really couldn’t be simpler.

5. Sign them up to Dualingo

Everyone knows the most impressive achievement in the world is being able to speak lots of languages. So sign your buddy up to Duolingo and watch them fly. At least if they are talking in another language no one will know if they’re saying something stupid. 

We hope these useful tips will come in handy whilst you battle with a dumb mate. Please do write in and let us know how you get on!

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Maz (@guest_50)
3 years ago

This is ace