5 ways to knock your friend’s confidence when they unexpectedly become the successful one.
Unfortunately, friends let us down. They spend years of their lives achieving absolutely jack all then suddenly, selfishly rise to stardom. The comfortable success hierarchy within your relationship is ruined, leaving your mate a little too smug. It’s only right that you appropriately, firmly and violently drag them back down to Earth. Here’s how to chip away at their self-esteem. For their own benefit, obviously.
1. Be passive aggressive
This technique is an age old, scientifically proven way to grind someone down. Passive aggression is a fantastic, fun way to make little digs at your friend without them even realising. They will begin to doubt themselves and won’t realise you have planted those seeds. Of course, remarks must always be accompanied by a sickly smile. Great phrases you could use include, ‘I can’t imagine you in a meeting’, ‘Honestly, I think premature frown lines give you character’ and ‘I didn’t realise how many businesswomen become barren from the stress of it all’
2. Send them horrible anonymous messages
Make use of the various technological platforms at your disposal so you can make your pal feel bad about themselves wherever you are in the world. Email is a classic. Create a new email address under a name of your choice and let the abuse commence. Alternatively, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook direct messages are also perfect options. Messages could read ‘You stink really bad’, ‘I hate your new fringe’ and ‘Loser’.
3. Remind them of past mistakes
There is nothing better than a trip down memory lane. Don’t be shy in reminding your friend of anything remotely negative they’ve ever said or done. Did they tell you to ‘shut up’ in an argument once? Did they knock a bag of shopping out of an old lady’s hand? Did they push their sibling down the stairs in their youth? These are all great things to whip out and induce guilt. Quanity is a must. The more you can think of, the more convinced they’ll be that they are a bad person.
4. Kick them in the shins
A good, strong kick in the shins makes anyone feel crap.
5. Ruin their stuff
Destroy their belongings and leave them reeling. Really go for this one. Slash their tyres, rip their favourite clothes, spill tippex on their MacBook Pro keyboard, smear Dijon mustard on their cream carpet.