5 ways to use the full moon as an excuse to be a massive bitch

5 ways to use the full moon as an excuse to be a massive bitch

July 23, 2021

Tonight, the full moon in Aquarius is out in full force and will, no doubt, be dragging our suppressed emotions to the surface. For many this will be a healing, spiritual time to embrace their heightened feelings, reflect and set goals for the month ahead. However, I see it as a bloody great opportunity to get away with acting like a massive bitch. See tonight as a consequence free haven where offensive remarks, downright unnecessary spite and even physical violence is not your fault. Blame the moon, hunnies.

Give these a go. Why? Because you darn can. Enjoy your own personal bitch fest…

1. Shave the head of someone you’re jealous of for achieving their goals

Maybe one of your mates has just won the lottery, landed a great job in a creative industry (unlikely), or bought a three bed semi detached when all you can afford is a parking space on the outskirts of Skegness. Shave that skull of theirs. It’ll make you feel alive.

2. Call your mum to tell her she’s let herself go

Give you mum a bell and explain how recently she’s started to look quite weathered and a bit witchy. Suggest that Botox would be a great option as it’s about time she sorts out those crows feet. Not only that but she used to be so glamorous and now she seems to be dressing in rags. Follow that with ‘if it’s money stopping you from buying a new hairbrush, I can get you one’.

3. Key a car with a ‘baby on board’ sticker

Grab a big old front door key and get crafty on your nearest Volkswagen Sharan. You’ll find this most satisfying if the babywagen has a vomit inducing variety of baby on board sign. For example, a small cartoon of a newborn in a robe next to ‘baby Jedi on board’ or ‘prince on board’ in a Disney font.

4. Make up lies about a colleague and report them to senior management

Compose a sweet, well articulated email to the big boss, outlining how Karen Jeffers from the third floor keeps spitting on the complimentary croissants and blocks the ladies loos at least twice a week. She’s also stolen over twenty thousand pounds worth of stationary since she joined the company in 2008 and regularly abuses interns.

5. Trip up the old woman that never smiles back at you

That crusty old hag who lives in 4b, who you’ve consistently tried to make an effort with by gifting her shortbreads at Christmas and complimenting her pop socks, needs to go down. Slide your Birkenstock out in front of her little trotters and watch her crumble.

Of course, these are just suggestions, so feel free to get creative and make up your own bitch activities. Write in and let us know how you make the most of the full moon tonight!

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