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Is conversation really necessary?

I find myself frequently wondering whether silence really is golden. And I know this is an issue worldwide. So, I think it’s time to dive headfirst into just how problematic conversation can be in the realm of dating.

For starters, 99% of people are excruciatingly dull. In fact, 100% of people are. Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s likely your date will proceed to bang on about their finance job, how incredible and unique their mum’s spag bol is (‘Honestly you have to try it’ ‘Omg, yeah, I so should…’), and how they’ve started cycling to work. I don’t see how their newly sore groin and recent Sports Direct membership status are any of your concern. Anyway, they’ve only turned to the bike because they went over budget on a split level three bed in Hackney Wick they’re sharing with two mates from uni and their oyster card keeps being declined. They will also fail to mention that their fancy nine-to-five is entry level and they’ve not even passed their probation period. Is being bored to death an essential ingredient in a relationship? Not since 1959.

Then comes the possibility of offending the other person with your ridiculous remarks. Whether you’re on a first date and accidently insult their religion, morals, or worse, their eyebrow shape, or you’ve been together for 5 years and it slips out that you hate their sister, without the element of chat, these monstrosities don’t occur. Why run the risk of starting a row when you could eliminate the talk and everyone’s happy? Yes, you may miss out on stereotypically ‘romantic’ moments. Them telling you you’re beautiful, you whispering sweet nothings in their ear, exclaiming how much you love each other across a busy sidewalk in New York, your cashmere scarf blowing in the wind and your cheeks rosy from the spring breeze. But, let’s be real for a moment, we’re usually lying. Failing that, we change our minds a week later. As my mother would say, I might need that breath one day. So, why waste it?

It is universally acknowledged that there are three reasons to be with a significant other: to update your Facebook relationship status, to have kids and to reach the minimum spend on a food shop to get free delivery. Note that none of these things require a chin wag. So, why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we sacrifice peace and serenity for small talk, shit jokes and deep conversations all night when all we want to do is watch Bake Off then collapse into bed drenched with anxiety about the full pack of Oreos we’ve just stuffed ourselves with and the fact we haven’t finished that report due at work tomorrow? Leave us to it.

However, the overruling reason why chit chat should be binned is simply because it’s an awful lot of effort for not much reward. I just can’t see what’s gained from speaking to a date or partner. And until the day I can, I vow to keep shtum.


So, is conversation really necessary? Not in the slightest.

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