Just moaning about the fact I haven’t won the lottery yet

I don’t play it, obviously. I’m too stingy to gamble or place a bet.

I’m sulking about the fact I’m not a boss bitch with air miles and a keep cup

When I haven’t updated my CV since I was sixteen (and most of that’s made up).

Annoyed that I’m not much more interesting by now

But I spend my free time refreshing my emails and looking at my own Instagram profile.

Having a tantrum cus I don’t have the physique of an athlete

I thought if you buy a Fitbit and watch yoga on YouTube it doesn’t matter what you eat.

When will I be well travelled? Less culturally lame?

Don’t tell me a Pinterest ‘holibobs’ board isn’t the same.

Fuming that the number of books I’ve read is a pathetic amount

But I suppose you have to take them off the bedside table for them to count.

Absolutely gutted not to be a really famous popstar

Don’t think it’s my fault it takes so long to learn to play the guitar.

Pissed off not to be living in a zone one penthouse with seven loos

Yes, I spend all my spare cash on artisan coffee, £50 candles and Deliveroos.

The point is I’m outraged I have to put up with this crap

When is something phenomenal gonna land in my lap?