You can simultaneously hate yourself and be happy. Here is how…

Too many people are jumping on the self love bandwagon in a bid to achieve happiness. Not only is this unrealistic, too much like hard work, and quite frankly immature, but it is completely unnecessary. All you need to be happy is the right perspective. Loving yourself, especially for a woman, is unbecoming and unattractive. You’ll be much more desired if you have an air of the downtrodden about you. So, let’s go back to our roots and remember just how many reasons there are to hate yourself. 

1. If you are ugly…

Feeling repulsed by your reflection needn’t be a problem. It is totally natural and healthy to be disgusted by your appearance. Luckily, all you need to do is buy some duck tape and cover up all the mirrors in your home. In extreme cases, you can even tape down your eyelids to prevent catching your reflection in a car window or an oven door. If, for some strange reason, you don’t like the idea of restricting your vision with heavy duty tape, you could use willpower. Try really hard to avoid reflective surfaces and look at pretty things instead. Watch the traffic go by on the motor way, follow a bee around the garden, or flick through OK magazine.

2. If you are terrible at your job…

Being totally inept all day everyday is necessary. On the surface, loathing the very core of your being because no matter how hard you try, you cannot finish that report or work out how to secure any clients, may seem like a bad thing. But you have to look at the bigger picture. The more incapable you appear at work, the more alluring you are for prospective partners. They’ll be compelled to swoop in and fix you. This is especially true of women looking to entice a straight male. So, in the long term, who needs gratification, achievements or success at work when you have a husband?

3. If you are not Instagram famous…

Just because you’re not and never will be inundated with followers, receiving free stuff or even surpassing twenty likes on a post, it doesn’t mean you can’t pretend you are. Nothing is more joyful that complete and utter delusion.

4. If you can’t stick to 30 days of yoga with Adriene…

Lacking discipline, drive and a healthy lifestyle are hideous traits. However, they are extremely common, so find comfort in the recurring downfalls of the human race. You can bond with others over lazy choices and an absence of direction, until you all, ultimately, end up in a hovel of hatred together.

5. If you can’t pull off a bucket hat…

Looking ridiculous while attempting to be fashionable is really embarrassing, but it shouldn’t stop you from finding other accessories that may suit you. Yes, you’ll never be as cool as someone who can stroll down Brick Lane, rocking a bucket hat, carrying some piping hot Caribbean street food. That’s something you can always beat yourself up about. But maybe you’d be content with a teal, chunky knit snood.

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